Bucket Lists

"Do you have a Bucket List?" 

I am asked this question a lot.  I believe everyone has a list of things they want to do or see or accomplish in the world.  Most of these lists- like mine- are in our heads, populating our hopes and dreams, our "somedays".  Maybe people ask me this question because they feel- like I have felt- that many of my dreams may never come true... my someday may never come...

When I was first diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, Natalie was 9 and Larissa was 4.  It was hard for me to think of all the things I would miss in their lives and all they would miss by not having a mom here for them.  We fool ourselves by thinking tomorrow is a guarantee.  Fear and worry about such things makes waste of today.

So, (drumroll, please) off the top of my head, here are my Bucket Lists broken into two....

Sarah's Bucket List

1. Grow old with Mark
2. Watch our children grow up
3. Know our grandchildren
4. Meet Ellen and thank her for her dancing inspiration during my chemos
5. Have an Ice cream truck to drive through neighborhoods on hot days
6. Get a long, long massage
7. Try paddle boarding
8. Ride in a limo
9. Try Kayaking
10. Take a helicopter ride
11. Snowmobiling
12. Own our dream home
13. Have custom made shoes for my hard-to-shoe feet
14. Love Lock in Paris
15. Swim with manatees
16. Go to Iceland
17. Fly First Class
18. Decorate my home
19. See a taping of Saturday Night Live

My Mom Bucket List

1. See Olivia start Kindergarten
2. See Larissa go to middle school
3. See Natalie go to high school
4. See all girls go to college
5. Play in the ocean with our girls
6. Go to Disney World
7. Visit the Laura Ingalls Wilder sites
8. Go on an African Safari with a camera
9. See the Grand Canyon
10. Go to the Smithsonian
11. Go to Paris in the Spring
12. See a Broadway show
13. Go to Hawaii
14. Ride the London eye
15. Go to St Peter Square
16. See the pyramids
17. See the Hollywood sign
18. See a Taylor Swift Concert
19. See a Twins Game
20. Go on a Disney cruise
21. See my daughters go to Prom
22. See my daughters get married 
23.  ..........

"Do you have a Bucket List?" 

Now, I can say, "Yes, I have two."

It always strikes me as funny when people ask me about life and death as if they are standing a safe distance from both.  Whether we acknowledge it or not, death is coming for each and every one of us, but Life is now!  All we ever have is now!

I guess, the beauty of a Bucket List is that it's yours.  You get to write it.  You get to cross things off it.  You get to keep adding to it. You get to dream and plan and take yourself to places you have never been and make them all a part of you.  You get to open yourself to life and choose to live.  We are alive today- feel your aliveness and longing and dreams.  Take a risk.  Put yourself out there.  This is your chance. Choose to Live!

  

Larissa Ashley is 9 years old!

On September 4, 2004, my sweet Larissa was born. She was greeted into this world by her Dad, Grandma, Aunt Amy, and Aunt Ashley. The night before I went into labor we picked out her middle name- Ashley- after my sister.  When Larissa was born we gave Ashley the honor of cutting the cord.

When a girl has a birthday the first week of school, it's like the whole world is preoccupied and it's hard to have a friend party. This year she kept asking for a friend party, so we started to plan. We talked about how many friends to have over, what the theme should be and the best date.....

Ta-da!  We planned a Slip-n-Slide Beach-Theme Party.

 

Birthday Girl Invitation.

 



 

Party Snack Table!



 

Birthday Shark!

 



Cue the "Jaws" Theme Music.

Flip Flops.

 

Little Bears in Floaties.

Slipping 

 



and

 



 

sliding...

 

Happy Birthday, Larissa Ashley!!!

"Fun is what you bring with you!"

I work in the Materials Management Department at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis which means I make sure the supplies that nurses and doctors need to take good care of children are stocked and available.  Today, in my travels throughout the hospital, I happened to look out the window at a beautiful summer day and I saw this: 

I found a flyer.  Apparently, there was an event going on right outside the hospital.  A motorcycle group rode to the hospital and displayed their bikes in an effort to raise money for cancer awareness.  From inside the hospital, it looked like a party, so I talked my co-worker, Soloman, into checking it out with me. 

The first thing we noticed was a big bouncy-house.  Things were just getting set up, not many people gathered yet.  I couldn't look at that bouncy house without wanting to bounce. 

"Soloman, let's go bounce in the bouncy house!"  I said.

He shook his head and laughed, ""No."

"Ok, then.  Your loss."  I walked up to a table and had to sign a waiver in case my bouncing led to serious injuries.  I took my chances.  I climbed in and I bounced.  A person can't bounce without laughing.  Try it sometime.  It's impossible.  People can't watch a person bouncing and laughing without laughing, too.  I love win-win-win situations!

A vintage car pulled up onto the sidewalk between the hospital and the specialty clinic building.  The license plate said "Cancer" and it had big frowning faces painted on it.  I approached the man who drove it and asked him about it.  He told me his grandfather had died of cancer and he is trying to save people from cancer by raising awareness.  He calls this a "No-Mercy Movement."  I noticed there were signatures on the frowning faces.  He said he has people with cancer sign his car.  I told him I have cancer.  He asked me to sign.

 

To see more info visit cancercar.org.  Not a bad way to spend a lunch break!!!

 

PET scan results

Results: My L4 lesion is still there, but slightly smaller.  Dr. Laudi has decreased the dose of NKTR-102 to decrease the side effects I was having.  He said this chemo typically goes slow and acts longer.  That is why it is given every 21 days or so. 

I looked at the PET scan images.  He pulled up my previous ones from May and December.  It didn't look smaller to me from May, but Dr. Laudi said the radiologists that read them are taking precise measurements.  These measurements showed decrease in size. 

Since it is only one spot, my mom asked about radiation.  That would be a quick kill for those cancer cells, but Dr. Laudi had several reasons not to do that right now:
- First, the area is not causing me pain.  If it was painful, then radiation.
- I can't get radiation and chemo at the same time and he feels with the decrease in dose the side effects are manageable AND the lesion is getting smaller, so it is moving in the right direction.
- The lesion itself is a good visual marker of how the chemo is working. 
- Once radiation is used at that site, it can't be used to that site again.  Dr. Laudi says he wants to keep that card in his hand in case he wants to play it later.

I agree with the plan.  We all do.  Only once I had to say, "Hey, Mark, this is about me."  I think Mark was trying to sell Dr. Laudi a house in our neighborhood during my appointment.  Mark is not a realtor.  Mark was talking location, man-made lake, opinions on builders, and the fact that we have several doctors in our neighborhood already- Mark knows, he drives them all to the airport.  I don't know what else was said.  Appointment was done.  Time for me and my mom to go.  I am used to this.  Mark likes people and likes to talk.  He also knows his way home. 

Overall, good news! Labs next Thursday and if they are good, NKTR-102 #4 on July 22. 

Dr. Laudi and Olivia Joy

 

 

Dr. Laudi, my Oncologist, holding Olivia nearly 3 years ago. 

 

I think it's a stretch to call something like cancer a blessing, but I have no other word to express my feelings, my gratitude for the opportunity to know this compassionate man and to have a daughter I never planned or believed was even a possibility (given the ovary suppressing drugs I was taking). 

 

Dr Laudi said, "Hope springs from life in ways we don't expect."  He is right.  It does. A little hope goes a long way.  It led me to here.  It carried me to now. 

 

Cancer has presented me with challenges.  Cancer has offered me gifts.  I am open to this balance both bitter and sweet.  I have cursed cancer at the top of my lungs using 4-letter words that burned on their flight from my lips.  I have been humbled by cancer as it forced me to the present moment and we spoke to each other, whispering words that are often left unsaid.  Dr. Laudi and Olivia are two of the many, many gifts cancer gave to me.   The teachers in life that can touch us so deeply, teach us so boldly, awaken us so completely.... are simply and profoundly... a blessing.     

 

 

Happy 3rd Birthday, Olivia Joy!!!

 

 Olivia Joy is 3 Years Old Today!!! 



 

Thank you to Olivia's many Mothers

who helped feed her

for the first year and a half of her life.  

Thank you to everyone

who travelled with us to this Happy Birthday! 

Inside of her little self- Olivia carries

every hope, every dream, every wish, every prayer

you whispered to her from your heart. 

Celebrate with us!  She is your baby, too! 

We are grateful for each and every one of you

And so grateful for her...

 

2012 to 2013

 

Chemo #3 (NKTR-102)

At 11:00am, I had my 3rd dose of NKTR-102. This dose was decreased due to my side effects. Repeat Chemo #2.  Uneventful really.  A little blurred vision, but I know it will pass.  For a while the world will appear all soft and fuzzy and, instead of having one wonderful thing after another, I have two!