Monday, August 31, 2009

I hesitate to start this journal.

When you heard of my diagnosis, the pain in your eyes overshadowed my own. Whether you are my husband or daughter or parent or sister or brother or family member or friend or someone I work with or someone I have sat next to at church or someone I have just met... each of you took a hit to the heart. A staggering hit. This may be a bumpy ride and I feel a huge responsibility to be clear about the purpose of this journal, because you are riding shotgun and I care about you as you care about me. So, I begin...

Today I faced the doctor who didn't want to order the MRI. I realize he had looked at me a few weeks ago and saw a woman who had a chronic back issue due to "lifestyle and improper lifting techniques." He didn't consider that prior to 6 months ago my doctor visits consisted of an annual GYN visit (my last one was December 2008). He didn't consider that I had only filled one pain med prescription and still had most of the pills. I told him these things, but he didn't hear. Today, he listened and ordered test after test after expensive test. After 6 months of having my body tell me that something is wrong and trying to get help- a sense of relief settled over me. I'm not crazy or a hypocondriac. I have cancer.

Clinic Fashion

My Mammogram

Busy day. Blood drawn. Mammogram. Ultrasound. Core needle biopsy of masses in my left breast. CTs of my chest, abdomen, and lumbar spine. I was handed discs of these images to bring to the oncologist in the morning. So, my husband and mother and I huddled around the computer, popped in the discs and played amateur radiologists. Even after surfing the internet for "Reading your own Scan" tips, we finally accepted our limitations. Enough cancer for today. Mark and I headed to the State Fair with Natalie and Larissa, leaving our dog, Amore, with my parents to play with their dogs.

*When cancer is stripped of its fear and doom-
  Cancer... simply is.
  It is nobody's fault I have cancer.
  I am not cancer's victim.*
               -This is not my denial, but my truth.

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