Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sinking into the Abyss

It's hard to keep up with everything when I feel exhausted and can't bend over. It's physically challenging to get in and out of bed or a chair or a car or the tub (which is a huge problem, because I soak in the tub many times a day)... My energy has limitations and I have to carefully choose how I spend it. My children are my priority and everything else in my life gets whatever crumbs are left over. My laundry is becoming a mountain range and my kitchen sink is overflowing. Mark looks at the pathetic crumb in his bowl and turns into Oliver Twist, "More, please." I have so many people that have offered to help me, but I don't even know where to start. I have never felt like I needed help before. I feel a sense of disconnect from it all- like I'm going through the motions, but not really here. My spirit has taken refuge deep inside, while my body becomes a battleground. Mark feels it and desperately tries to send me lifelines that end up either annoying me or making me cry, because when he pulls me to the surface I realize how much he misses the "old Sarah." So do I.

Today, my mom and Amy came over and cleaned our house. My mom brought her Rug Doctor and cleaned the carpet. I lay on the sofa, with my bucket and Amore. When they were done, it looked beautiful in here. At one point, my mom and sister were folding laundry. My mom paused, "Sarah, you know I love you and I would do anything for you," She held up a pair of Mark's underpants, "but I may have reached a limit here." We all laughed and laughed. It was music to my soul. It filled me up and made me feel like me :)

No comments:

Post a Comment