Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Thinking of Death

Mark is sleeping at the hospital. The girls are tucked into bed. Amore is snuggled next to me. I lie here lost in my thoughts...

Death... What words come to mind? The end. Heaven. Hell. Goodbye. Peace. Pain free. Last breath.  Another one bites the dust. Six feet under...

When someone gives you a expiration date... What do you do with that?

On September 1, 2009, I was told I have Stage 4 Breast Cancer. Yes, I have had my fair share of tears, of being mad at God and the world, but I have never felt like my time was up. One of the hardest days I have had with cancer was finding out I was pregnant and feeling this bitter ache in my very soul that I may bring a baby into this world who might not ever even know me. I did take a leave of absence from work for a year, but then I went back. I am still working now.  I have 3 beautiful daughters that need a mom. Yes, I may need a nap or a pain pill, but I want to be there for them.

When Dr Laudi said 6 months... my heart sank. What about Mark's birthday in June? Olivia's in July? Larissa's in September? Natalie's Sweet 16 next March? What about summer camping, fireworks, melty ice cream, soccer games, and swimming. I'm not done! What about school shopping and sending my baby to kindergarten.

Will Mark remember everything? All the little things a mom does? Like notes in the lunch box? A good luck text to Natalie before a big test or a big soccer game? Tying bows in hair? Helping the tooth fairy? Helping Santa with stocking stuffers is my favorite part of Christmas. Will Mark help make Halloween costumes? Will he help with those last minute school projects, the ones that require glue and glitter.

Mark's a great dad, but girls need a mom too...

I like my job and I feel I will work until I can't work. I work with a wonderful man named Soloman. I love this man I have had the pleasure of working with these past 7 years as well as all of the nurses and Hucs and nursing assistants I have worked with, especially on the old 5th floor.

I'm not ready to go now, but if I do... I am ok... I have never felt like I have given up on life. Oh, how I hoped and prayed with all my heart that life would not give up on me...


  1. We have not given up on you! We will keep praying, no matter what the outcome.