Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Game Plan

I saw Dr. Laudi today to come up with our game plan. We are almost done with the first round of Palbociclib. The plan is to do 2 or 3 rounds. That would bring us to the end of April before we do another PET/ CT scan, unless my pain increases or I get jaundiced. Then, I would get scanned sooner.

We talked about my pain. I feel it is better controlled with the 50 mcg of fentanyl, but I feel more fatigued. It's a trade off, I guess. My port still bugs me, but he is not ready to have it removed just yet.

My weight is down another 5 pounds this month. I told him I do eat three meals plus snacks and dessert. I feel like I eat enough, though people around me beg to differ.

I told Dr. Laudi the last few weeks have been especially hard. I told him about losing my mother-in-law...

Death has a way of showing us what an empty space we leave in the world. Death revisits our lives. Death shows us the ways our lives continue through the lives of those we love. Death can bring out the worst in people, but Death can also reveal the absolute best in people. Death levels the field, plays no favorites, gives us all a turn. At Ireane's graveside service, we wrapped blankets around each other and shivered and huddled together and said a prayer. We took part in the rituals of our faith, of our people, of our family. She is part of us still...

At the actual burial, I sat with Olivia and watched from the car. I wondered what her little head was making out of all these things she was seeing. The staff at Fort Snelling Cemetery had prepared Ireane's gravesite. A man working with his back to us bent down to help lower her beautiful casket into the ground, returning her to the earth, and as he did... we got a half moon. A plumber-crack. In the midst of tears... a smile.

Olivia watched all this quietly, then whispered, "Mom, is that God?"

I pulled her close to me, hugged her and kissed her. "God is everywhere. God is in everyone." 

Please continue to pray for peace and wisdom and love for our world. Please pray that I will be given more time with my children and this drug will shrink my tumors. Please continue to see God in yourself, as I do.

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