Thursday, June 18, 2015

The crushing truth

Yesterday, I had an ECHO and labs drawn. This morning, I had a PET scan. This afternoon, Mark, my mom and I met with Dr. Laudi. 

Just one week ago, we sat here in this exam room and Dr. Laudi told us to go ahead and book the trip to Paris. Today, when Dr. Laudi and Lacey, our nurse, came into the room to discuss my test results, their eyes were glistening with tears. In one week, my life went from anticipating a beautiful trip with my family to the crushing reality of Cancer.

My liver is failing. The drug I have been taking for the past three months has done nothing. I now have tumor growth in every bone. The right side of my liver, where the beads were placed, looks clear and healing. The left side of my liver- 2/3 of my total liver- is now tumor. Dr. Laudi feels it is too risky to do the beads on the left side. He feels any additional chemo would be too hard on my liver and would shorten the time I have left. 

I feel my life flash through my heart, not looking back, but forward to all the things I will miss with my kids. Would I make it to Olivia's 5th Birthday? Her first day of kindergarten? Would I spend time with Larissa, sitting in the sunshine, talking about the books she is reading this summer? Would I see her start 5th grade or Natalie start 10th grade? Would I be there to watch Natalie's soccer games this Fall? How can this be it for me? I have so much more I want to teach our girls, so many things I want to show them. Dr. Laudi tearfully looks at me in silence. Lacey pulls a paper towel from the dispenser and wipes her eyes. My mom rubs my back. We wipe our tears on soft Kleenex I brought with me in my bag. Mark is focused on his phone, googling and googling, always trying to save me. My hero. Mark's eyes are dry.

Dr Laudi said he would not advise me to take the Paris trip. 

Mark said, "Why not?" 

Dr. Laudi chose his words carefully, "Sarah would not survive it." 

Meaning I would die there. Meaning there would be international hassles. Well fuck that! As long as I feel ok, we are going! Fuck Cancer! Cancer doesn't fight fair! 

Mark looked up from his phone. He told us he had no more tears left after crying so much yesterday and he had to pre-medicate with Ativan prior to this visit just to get through it. Then, Mark reminded us of our very first visit with Dr. Laudi when he, my mom and I had been filled with so much anxiety and dread like that visit was going to be this visit. That was six years ago. Six years! I got six years and a baby girl and many beautiful memories with my family and friends. 

As we have navigated this winding path leading to this day, we feel forever wrapped in your prayers, hope and love. You knew the destination, were aware of the suffering ahead, and still ... you chose to walk with us, crawl with us, even carry us at times. For you, I am grateful. 

I always knew this day was coming, but now that it is here... I am not ready to give up...  




2 comments:

  1. No! No! No! No!.....NO! France is calling your name. U and your family deserve it--I'm praying u go-Lord please continue to grant peace and security knowing You're on the throne. Knowing u created Sarah and have all of her days numbered and that only u know when she will come home. Lord we trust that u will give Sarah a healthy outlook and a healthy body to match her healthy gorgeous spirit. She's in the palm of your hand Lord. Continue to lead and guide her steps, thoughts, words. And Father please have mercy and give them the means and the strength and the health to see Paris. Bucket lists Lord.....hook a sista' up ;) Amen

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  2. Keep fighting...stay strong!
    God bless you, amen.

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