Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Choosing Joy

Due to my nausea and vomiting and the fact that I am getting dehydrated,  Dr. Laudi put in a standing order for IV fluid boluses. If I can't keep anything down, I can call and get a fluids at the infusion center. 

Mark and I met with the Perinatologist today for a genetic consult.  I signed forms to release all my medical information to help determine the affect of the radiation I received- the amount of energy emitted and the direction it was aimed into my body. The various medications I have taken will all be considered with respect to the baby's estimated stage of development. He is concerned about the condition of my bones and anticipates I will have to have a C-section to protect them from the stress of delivery.  A premature delivery is a possibility. 

This day, immersed in science.  Science concerns itself with facts, explanations, predictions. Sounds like one of those mind-boggling word problems we used to get in math class:

"So, you are driving in a car going 65 mph to a destination 224 miles away. You have 2 suitcases in your trunk weighing 7lbs and 26lbs respectively. Your dog has got his head out the passenger window and the last song you sang along with on the radio is now mercilessly stuck in your head. You have consumed 12oz of soda and you need to pee. How many bugs will have landed on your dog's tongue by the time you reach the next rest stop 57 miles down the road?"

Or something like that. The ones the math teacher read to the class with utter delight. The ones that made me roll my eyes. The ones that made me pull a wild guess right out of thin air. Even today, I am still amazed there are people who actually like those sort of challenges and actually want to figure them out.  I stand humble before those people- whose brains let them just figure out the problem without getting distracted by the story of the problem- the thought of a roadtrip, the miles rushing past, the anticipation of  rolling down the window for a grateful dog. 

Since it is unethical to conduct radiation studies on pregnant women (or anyone in my opinion, regardless of gender or species),  they will use known cases of radiation exposure for comparative data. Unintentional radiation exposure in people who didn't know they were pregnant- even using data from pregnant women who were exposed to radiation from other sources, like bombs. All these factors will be added and subtracted, weighed and measured, compared and contrasted.   Our data is factored in, mixed into a mind-bending, tongue-twister that people will devote much time in solving. Our data is given to Science with the belief that it matters somehow, to somebody, somewhere.

I don't know what our equation looks like or if there is an absolute answer. In some ways, I feel I have already rolled my eyes and moved on.  I am living this story.   My answers are in my heart, in my soul. I know what I believe.

My Little One,
I believe
in you...

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