Saturday, February 13, 2010


Nausea and vomiting.  Oh, my!  Along with many opinions...

Mark firmly says if it comes down to choice between me and a baby- there is no choice. I am his priority.

My sister, Amy, is lost in worried thoughts. She loves my children as her own- she always has. She always will.

My sister, Ashley, is 2000 miles away in California working at Farm Sanctuary. She still finds it surreal that I have breast cancer- let alone that I am expecting a baby. She calls apologizing for all the times she called me 'Harass' or 'Sar-ha' or told me my feet stink. I apologize for all the times I called her 'Ash-hole.' "We are sisters," I tell her,  "I know you love me, Ash-hole."

My brother, Nick, who acts all tough to compensate for his sensitive side... walks me out to my car and gives me a hug without saying a word.

My mother suggests I am trying to kill her and says there are quicker ways.

Though my father faces stress in other people in a way that tends to ground them. My dad responds to his own stress in the way I imagine he did when he was a boy- with avoidance and anger. He retreats to the safety of the sofa or TV or yard... I follow him. He is defensive. I realize, he still feels responsible for me. He questions me about birth control, my plans, the future, the what-ifs. In his eyes, I am still the little girl who walked right off the dock into the lake and he pulled me out. I am still the girl who insisted on wearing a dress while learning to ride a bike with him running along beside me and kissing me when I fell off and skinned my knees. I am still the girl who hit the gas, instead of the brake, while learning to drive and drove the car up into the yard and he encouraged me to try again. My dad thinks a pregnancy will surely kill me and it is not worth that risk. In tears, he says, "You are my baby."

"I know how you feel, Dad," I tell him, "but this is my baby."

People have many opinions...

With each person I tell I relive all the fear and shock I already feel myself- plus some. I decide to wait to share this with everyone- I need to give myself some space to hear my own thoughts, to listen to my heart, to find my way.

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